Simon was born with multiple personality disorder, we know. His parents were at Woodstock and grew hemp somewhere in Humboldt County California. Former bio-chemistry students at Berkeley working with Timothy Leary on advanced dream mapping theories involving highly experimental substances, they were part of the research too...
As a boy, Simon spent his time designing mazes for lab rats. But he felt the rats didn't particularly appreciated his skills. So he took to selectively breeding cats to further enhance their rodent hunting skills. Now, rats REALLY hate him.
Simon's father asked him to stop when he found a large (100 lb.) ginger tom lying in bed instead of his wife one cold winter's night. It is thought Simon's mother just couldn't stand the sight of rodent parts on the door mat each morning. However, she hasn't been seen since. If you have any knowledge of her whereabouts Simon urges you to please contact your local university's genetics
department. We strongly advise not using large quantities of catnip.
Once Simon got over his urge for genetic engineering, he turned his attention to the electronic variety. One of his first chips was able to say "Hello" in over one thousand different celebrity voices. He used it, we think, to bombard the White House with crank calls. The Secret Service has yet to catch up with him. President Clinton is still getting Whoppers in the middle of the night when all he wants is a Big Mac.
He gave up designing chips when it became clear each chip would need to spend at least two hours a week with a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has since given up his practice and is now growing Chia Heads in a Northwestern suburban town, at least that's what the orderlies tell him at the Happy Sunny Funny Farm. Simon enjoys a good mental floss between meals.
Since then he has gone on to develop artificial intelligences for various computer games. Not surprisingly they all appear to be slightly schizophrenic. Simon comments that at least they're always happy. It's not like they're writing fan mail to Jack Kevorkian is it?!
The producers of Ultimate Gamer came across Simon one dark night in downtown San Diego while trying to find "dates" for each other with only $10 to their names. He was surrounded by a large horde of very sinister looking rodents, although Susan Golding and Alex Spanos were not amoung them. That said, he was defending himself very ably with his lightning-like, twitchy trigger reflexes. "Having GI Jane in my head, if not in my bed, is sometimes quite useful", he commented later. Clearly Simon was just the kind of psychotic, socially maladapted, itchy fingered co-host they were looking for.
Hey, he got he job, didn't he for pinking crying out loud!?
Simon's favorite pastime during the show's taping is seeing just how irritated he can make Cameo and still keep his balls attached. After all, he has an enormous selection of really obnoxious personalities he can draw on and that's without considering any of the ones that are politicians.
